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Map of the Heart: 40 Images and Insights for Survivors of Suicide July 18-20 TCF Nashville Conference 2008 Workshop

A Message from Joni and Jerry Woelfel: When our Mic died by suicide in 1999, life became a bottomless crater of grief. Early on, in order to express the despair, Joni bought a sketch pad and a big box of color crayons and began drawing images that helped her find the way through the first year of profound heartbreak. In sharing the 40 images, it is our hope that their symbolism will resonate with others who are also walking the road of grief and looking for someone to offer them a map, promising, “You can find the way.” These small, caring meditations have been created for that very reason. While all grief journeys are unique, as you read the list, may encouragement, guidance and comfort be yours:

1. THE SCREAM: The image of just a mouth, slashed in red and black, with the word WHY repeatedly zigzagging across it represents the rent in our world as we knew it. At the top are the words, “The day the universe and our souls ripped in half.” This first image expresses the shock, first hours and early days of horror. Our loved ones died tragically only once, not over and over as our traumatized minds keep replaying. One minute at a time, then an hour and finally one day at a time the terror gives way to the first fragile peace which surpasses all human understanding. What is your first, early memory of peace?

2. BALL AND CHAIN: Image of a bent-over person, shackled to weights of grief and despair, dragging a giant stone. Entitled Carrying the Weight of the World, scrawled across the bottom are the unbearable questions: “Where were the signs? How could we not have known something was wrong? How could this have happened?” The suicide of our son caused us to not only examine the past few weeks memories but to anxiously probe our whole life with him. Thus began the agonizing plunge into a surreal grief journey that we never dreamed could be ours.

3. WHITE FLAG WITH THE WORD TRUTH WRITTEN ON IT: This represented surrendering to what couldn't be changed with a pure heart following perceived self-blame, feelings of insanity and bad feelings toward those who needed to place blame. Our therapist reminded us that the seemingly callous untruths of others who judge does not change the real truth that love knows. As Iris Bolton wrote, “Truth brings an embracing understanding of human frailty. It is not for us to judge defenses that did not hold. Remember: the choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another’s life.” (- Suicide and It’s Aftermath. )

4. FRIENDS ARE A NATION: Symbolizing the sun setting forever on life as we knew it, the face-down man in the sand represents the tattered wreckage washed up on the beach of our stricken hearts. The words largely printed below the ocean are from Emilie Dickinson’s quote, friends are a nation, representing the love of the many who reached out to us in small and big ways. Shocked neighbors, friends and relatives stood by, as horrified by what happened as we were---and none of us had any answers. Early support is defined as those who are able to “wait” with us as we face the first stages of inconsolable grief. We should not make a journey like this alone.

5. CHA-CHA WOMAN: Flaming red dress and 4 inch heels, can’t stop dancing, this drawing represents the frantic stage of early grief. Cha-cha woman breaks a heel and watches a belly dancer by moon light, who teaches her to slow down with the words: LISTEN TO AND HONOR THE RHYTHMS OF YOUR GRIEF. We were beginning the long process though post traumatic stress and learning by inches to relax---understanding that our grief journey could not be rushed. (For further reading, we highly recommend the book, Embracing the Wounds of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: An Invitation to Heal by Bernadette Cioch, Resurrection Press.)

6. MISSED THE BOAT MAN: The man drowning in grief just out of reach of a small row boat represents the fact that the belief frame that held things together before for us was now too small and out of reach. On the horizon, a great ship is depicted coming to the rescue. From afar, a grace greater than ourselves begins making its way toward us which we will later recognize as Comfort. In what ways did you first experience comfort?

7. BOX WITH THE LID OFF: Old perceptions, innocence and God are out of the box and never to return. This drawing represents the exploration as to what it means to be spiritually, emotionally and intellectually broader---as for the first time, we were told that grief held gifts that would make sense later on---even though we did not want them in the beginning.

8. A FLOOD OF TEARS: Image of a completely washed-out landscape, representing the woods below our house when floods temporarily destroyed our family’s walking trails ---and the emergence of new paths that you could walk on that “will take you where you need to go.” We began to consider in earnest the possibility of healing, knowing we were starting over from scratch. (Starting over begins as we realize there will be no going back in order to speak the words of comfort and help that would have changed our loved one’s outcome. The first step forward requires facing the unknown with tremendous courage and choosing to participate in our unfolding grief process and healing.)

9. SURRENDER WOMAN: Image of woman with empty hands raised in supplication with the words, “I will surrender myself, my loved one and my life, work and grief to the universe of divine care.” Relinquishing little by little that which we could not change marked the heart-rending Acceptance Stage in our grief.

10. REPOSE: Image of two sisters holding up a third, representing Joni’s deep bonding with her two sisters and their kind words, “Just rest.” Allowing others to reach out to us and not being ashamed of the vulnerability of grief or the need for soothing stillness and space helped us a lot. How would you describe the vulnerability of your grief?

11. IMAGE OF A MAN CRADLED IN A HAND: Reaching out from a cosmic swirl, this perspective reminded us that God is not only above, within and all around, we were and are within God. We began to explore the diverse body/mind/spirit connection that is so much a part of everyone’s grieving process.

12. HOPE RISING: As a person is pulled out of a pit of despair by a rope that is attached to a shining star, the phrase from Joni’s life coach (Karen Warren Severson) reminded us: “The saving grace of passion pulls (draws) us to our highest calling; it does not push.” Discovering which activities, values, talents and passions are life-giving proved to be another step to on-going recovery. (To rescue means to liberate, set free, save and reclaim.)

13. IMAGE OF A CEMENT SLAB WITH LIVING WATER UNDERNEATH: Along with the giant framework of a building going up, this psychologically represents eight dreams Joni had of rebuilding new foundations and new rooms within, along with the phrase: “Behold I make all things new.” The reconstruction of our shattered lives following grief was beginning to take place. In what ways are you experiencing the reconstruction of your life?

14. LETTING GO: On what would have been Mic’s 18th birthday, this sketch represented an egg Joni took down to the woods and released into the current of the creek. Caught up in a gentle back wash, the egg drifted out into the stream and circled back to rest at her feet as the words “Letting go brings love back to us” came to Joni. We began to realize as many grief counselors teach: letting go does not mean forgetting. The egg is an ancient Egyptian symbol that is believed to hold the mystery of the universe. This speaks deeply to the sacred mystery of letting go of our loved one as we relinquish clinging---and learn to keep their memory alive in our hearts.

15. TWO BURNING CANDLES WITH A ZIGZAG CURTAIN BETWEEN THEM: Representing the veil of eternity with the identical candle burning brightly on the other side reminded us that our spirits shine brightly on both sides. Whether it was in our memories or an aspect of evolving belief systems, we discovered that our perspectives were often quite different---which is often the case between spouses finding their way through grief.

16. IMAGE OF A WOMAN IN A BLACK SHROUD: Called “dead-head” woman, Black Spring, representing times when we were unable to relate to the sorrow of others or feel compassion because our feelings had temporarily died/dried up. In actuality, this was the phase when we were facing the fact that nothing would bring our beloved Mic back, even though every tulip and every bud reminded us of rebirth. A single blade of grass held hope. Grief was beginning to shift in secret ways not as yet understood or named. We asked ourselves, “What is coming back to life in us in a new way?”

17. IMAGE OF A CRYSTAL: Representing the phase of clarity (crystallized grief) the phrase by Pat Samples written in the margin, “Loved ones who have passed are not done blessing us yet,” is depicted with the image of a “crystallized” marble that has been dropped into boiling water, creating minute crackles throughout. This symbolized the etching of wisdom through the caldron of sorrow as we redefined what is truly important in life. What is becoming crystal clear to you in a new way?

18. IMAGE OF A LIFE PRESERVER: Representing our goal of knowing we saved someone's life through our outreach work and the telling of Mic’s story. Eventually, we entered the stage of exploring individual ways that we could help others---comprehending that it is in giving that we receive when it comes to comfort and support.

19. IMAGE OF A HAPPY BOX: When a young boy who was Mic’s special friend came to our house grief-stricken because of multiple, tragic deaths in our community, Joni made him a happy box. Containing a wild violet, gnarled stick with swirls in it like the ocean tides, a plum blossom and two pieces of clam shells, it represented sacred gifts from nature to soothe his grief and ours. Nature reminds us of the seasons and cycles of life, birth, death, renewal and timeless kinship.

20. IMAGE OF FIVE GRAVES: Representing the five tragic deaths in our community, including our son's, a slogan expresses the caring words sent by a widow, “They are not buried, but planted.” In a card, the woman also added, “The coffin is not a box but a cocoon where we are cradled.” The concept of metamorphosis further helped us define our own evolving perspectives in how we wanted to remember Mic.

21. IMAGE OF THE WORDS YA YA: (from the famous novel Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells) reminded us of the poignant message, “What good manners can you show and how tender do you dare to be?” We learned that grief also has a social context--- how we presented ourselves to the public mattered to us, in honor of our son.

22. WINGS: The image of a bird in flight flying free. Referring to the ongoing inner struggle with those few who blamed or judged how we were doing, this reminded us of an anonymous quote, “Holding onto resentment is like allowing someone you don’t like to live rent free in your head.” We were able to move on and bless the persons, thereby finding our own liberation through forgiveness. This took much study, learning what forgiveness isn't and becoming ready. (For further reading, we highly recommend the chapter on forgiveness, derived from Adolfo Quezada’s book, Heart Peace: Embracing Life’s Adversities, Resurrection Press.) Who do you need to forgive?

23. IMAGE OF A COMPUTER SCREEN WITH THE WORDS YAK-YAK-YAK ACROSS IT: This was derived from the trouble Joni got herself into when her website ministry work got to be too much and she overloaded on stress and being too busy. By gathering in and cutting back, life and our grief journey becomes more simplistic and manageable. As Joni's life coach at the time said, “We are always in process of moving either closer toward or away from balance. It’s not a place you arrive at and stay at.” We all have to ascertain what activities drain us further than is good for us as we learn to creatively step back or delegate when it is called for. We also realize that “running” does not fill emptiness as we address any addictions we may be dealing with. What comes to mind when you think of this from your own life?

24. IMAGE OF A FANNED OUT DECK OF CARDS: When Joni was feeling exposed regarding publishing her articles and books and putting her truth and grief experiences into a public arena, Jerry offered a word of wisdom which she adhered to: “Put your voice out there, let the cards fall where they may.” Assertiveness training and finding the courage to be our authentic, real selves even when we worried about whether we were approved of or not became an important key for us.

25. IMAGE OF A PREGNANT WOMAN WITH FULL TERM BABY: In the 9th month of grief, the words from the book Stars in Your Bones (by Alla Bozarth) spoke volumes to Joni: “I am pregnant with myself. Imagine place and body so in harmony you take off your clothes. Imagine place and soul so in harmony you take off your body. We hold the future here in our wombs.” Despite setbacks, we persisted in nurturing ourselves, each other and our family as best we could---realizing that the well-being of our future depended on it.

26. IMAGE OF SPIRITUAL MIDWIFE: The Greek word Doula means labor assist. This meant that for grief to give birth to peace, there must be the support, patience and care of mentors who offer the tools that you need. As never before, we appreciated the value of therapists, grief support groups, pastors, clergy, doctors and professionals, understanding that often you have to have the tenacity to find the ones that are right for you.

27. FALSE VOICES: The drawing of a monster in jail represents subduing all those terrible, false truths we may tell ourselves, such as “You’re not special. You’re the world’s worst parent/sibling/grandparent/friend, you don’t deserve to be happy, you’ll never survive this grief, nothing you do is ever good enough---you may as well throw in the towel.” This image represents the negative, false inner voice that tried to live in our heads and bring us to despair. The only way to defeat him was to be mindful of the power of unconscious thoughts, attitudes and self talk---and how it affected us emotionally and physically. What monster voices within have you had to deal with?

28. BOUNDARY MAN WHOSE BODY IS A MAP: Initially, it was sometimes hard for us to set boundaries in relationships, lifestyle choices and personal space as we learned to protect energy levels depleted by grief. Through kindness to self we determined who we were able to allow into our lives and how far. We also honored this in others. As psychologists teach, “No is a complete sentence.” In what ways have you learned to say no?

29. IMAGE OF INFINITY WOMAN: This woman represented the evolution of grief as she stands on a hill with arms flung, laughing a sacred magnanimous laugh so powerful it could crack mountains. To us, she represented belief in eternal life, with the words, “I will see Mic again.” The symbol for infinity is a figure 8 on it’s side. Psychologically, we each come into our own unique faith perspectives as grief grows up and matures.

30. PHRASE: EARLY IN THE MORNING MY MOM WAKES ME UP, "GET UP LITTLE MONSTER, IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL." Taken from the famous Mercer Mayer children’s book that was a favorite of Mic’s, this represents our daily need to rise, face and attend our earth school of lifelong grief. Joni even said it to the cat and it made her feel connected to Mic because she used to say it to him when she woke him for school. What is a morning Wake-Up mantra that you could say that would connect you with your loved one?

31. IMAGE OF TWO BIRDS WALKING: When a young boy close to a friend of ours died, the friend said she didn't feel like flying. Joni humorously/tenderly wrote, “Your wings are not broken, you are not wingless, your wings are just folded. Flying is not all it’s cracked up to be. We’ll just walk along on our little stick, bird legs---not so far to fall and we can hold each other up.” Humor is a bonding sign of healing, freedom and triumph over despair. (We highly recommend A Season of Grief: A Comforting Companion for Difficult Days by Ann Dawson for beautiful insights about humor.)

32. IMAGE OF A BONFIRE: Taken from the book Inferno (about third world starvation, homelessness, torture and genocide) the photo-journalist/author, when asked how he could bear to do the work, explained that despair would be too easy. This touched us so deeply and reminded us of an anonymous quote: “Have you no wounds? Was nothing worth fighting for?” Grief is universal, hope is universal. We all have a choice in saying yes to making a difference. What new things are you saying yes to?

33. IMAGE OF A MYSTERIOUS HOODED SAGE, SHROUDED ALL IN WHITE: Standing alone, tall and proud, he represented the Black Spring of Mourning giving way to the Glory of Summer of the Soul---when grief recognizes the call to clothe oneself anew. In a letter to our young-adult sons, Joni wrote, “We are a part of each other’s living and dying. Our love, imperfections and humanness will remain standing when all else has fallen away. To honor and accept these things in each other is what it means to become great human beings. I am so proud of you.” We are created to thrive and uphold one another.

34. TO PARTS UNKNOWN: On the image of a suitcase is written, “Death ends a life, not a relationship,” (taken from the book, Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom), “From the arms of love to the arms of love, love will keep us,” (from artist Mary Southard), and “We do not take a trip, the trip takes us.” (From Travels with Charlie by John Steinbeck.) These three quotes remind us that we all will move on someday, packing up the earthly hopes, dreams and memories we were blessed to share. As our first year of grief drew to a close, we looked back on all we’d learned---forever changed. In what ways have you changed?

35. IMAGE OF A TEETER TOTTER: The labeled box on each end represents a quote from Joni’s life coach, “Desperation is giving rise to ease.” The amount of time we grieve is not an indication of how much we loved the person. Our emotions still went up and down as a result of the sorrow, acute missing of our son and remembered trauma---yet we were now able to better find a balance.

36. IMAGE OF A YOUNG GIRL WITH TAPE OVER HER MOUTH: Entitled Shame, the grown-up version of the young girl is holding her hand, saying, “Your voice is free now, do the work you love.” This image represented our longing and determination to be our best and highest selves, unhindered by nay-sayers, childhood patterns or blocked, buried grief.

37. IMAGE OF AN EASTER LILY: One time, when Jerry could not bear to go to church, he finally went at Easter because it was dedicated to our son. When Joni asked him how it went, he said, “I was having a mass within a mass.” Joni wrote, “Isn’t that how we live our lives? We are prayers within prayers, hope within hope and love within love. Not feeling alone or abandoned is our greatest gift. We are creatures that need reminding and reassurance.” While grief sorely challenged our marriage, despite some very difficult times and mistakes, in the end, the lily represented the resurrection of our relationship. (As written about in Joni?s article When Grief Derails a Marriage, Living With Loss Magazine, 2006.)

38. IMAGE OF A DEAR, GRINNING BOY, LIKE MIC ALWAYS DREW: Beyond a doubt, we knew that his message to us would be: Be Happy. Finally, we understood the difference between spiritual, lasting joy and earthly happiness as we let our lessons travel the long highway from our rational minds to our hearts---the absence of Mic's presence always with us.

39. LIVING IN THE LIGHT: image of a haymow, with rays of light streaming down from the cupola. The dimness in the barn is lit with streaks of soft light. You can see dust particles floating in the light, like microscopic souls, all shimmering in a cosmic beam of care. This beautiful image from our childhoods reminds us, "We are all interconnected, how we choose to live affects the whole." As Joni concluded her sketches, we talked about our life purposes, the words of Joni's life coach resonating within: "I am a lighthouse that guides people home. I am a pebble in a shoe that reminds people to be fully alive." There is no one like you, the world needs what you can bring to it. What do you consider to be your life purposes?

40. IMAGE OF A DOUBLE RAINBOW AS SEEN OVER THE VILLAGE FARMLANDS WHERE WE LIVED: From The Secret Language of Signs by Denise Linn, "Throughout the world, the rainbow is one of the most universal signs of blessing. A rainbow blesses your ventures, your relations and yourself. It is a message that you are going in the right direction and that your path is blessed and guided. It is a very powerful sign signifying joy, celebration and completion...and new hope. It signifies the end of despair." Now at home with the ongoing circular patterns of grief, despair, comfort and healing, we celebrate the memory of our beloved Mic who lives on in us and who we are becoming---one tear and one year at a time.

* * * * * * * * * * Note: Many of these images and their meanings are referenced in Joni's book, Meditations for Survivors of Suicide under the chapter Map of the Heart, p. 76-78. Used with permission, copyright 2002, Catholic Book Publishing/Resurrection Press. www.catholicbookpublishing.com No reprints of this article can be made without permission. Thank you for visiting our website, our hope reaches out to you. Jerry can be reached through his cell phone at: 320-905-3166.

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