The Ruby Ring Forgiveness Club
One never knows what ideas life will lead or call you to---and sometimes, it is a complete surprise---a lovely, life-changing one at that! Having said that, we invite anyone who would like, to join our Ruby Ring Forgiveness Club. There is no fee, dotted line to sign or requirement of any kind. This is a universal, spiritual club for those who believe in, long for, seek and extend forgiveness.
We each have unique memories of times when we needed to be forgiven---or times when we needed to forgive ourselves or others. Following are our own stories that inspired the creation of The Ruby Ring Forgiveness Club. We hope you enjoy them and that they move you to consider your own forgiveness stories in a new, compassionate perspective. We invite you to join us in fostering our Ruby Ring forgiveness movement in the hopes that it will encircle the world one heart at a time. In friendship from companions who have been there, Joni Woelfel and Janet Kelly www.IsabellaCatalog.com
Joni's Story:
When I was in the fourth grade, I lost one of my mother's most treasured belongings. Yes, it was my fault---though not intended and now all these years later, the small story itself has become a personal treasure.
One of Mom's favorite possessions was an inexpensive ruby red birthstone ring which she kept tucked in her jewelry box. I was mesmerized by the beautiful ring and begged Mom often to let me wear it to school. "Please, please, please," I begged day after day. She always politely but firmly replied, "No, you'll lose it! "
Finally, the day came when she relented. On the bus and during school, I kept admiring how the red ruby glinted in the light. However, as the day wore on, I forgot about it during recess and when the bell rang, I suddenly noticed that it was gone.
A sick feeling washed over me as tears came to my eyes. Before the bus left at the end of the day, I desperately searched along the hedges and sidewalk where I had been playing, but the ring was nowhere to be found. I never saw it again.
Having to tell my mother that I had lost her beloved ring was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do in my young life. She knew something was wrong as soon as I came in the door and when I confessed what had happened, she looked grieved and disappointed. However, she said nothing. She did not reprimand me, knowing I already felt as bad about it as one can feel. She calmly set out milk and cookies like she always did and being a woman of few words never spoke of it. It is her spirit of forgiveness that I recall.
Memories of times when we have been forgiven glint in our hearts like the true spiritual jewels that they are. The scripture "forgive others as I have forgiven you" comes intimately alive when we in turn perpetuate the legacy of unconditional love. Whenever I see the glimmer of a red rhinestone, I remember the joy of forgiveness---and pray that I likewise can live with the grace to pass it on.
- Joni Woelfel, copyright 2008
Janet's story:
I still remember the first time I tried it on - my mother's Edwardian, Art Deco period emerald cut ruby ring. Of course, I didn't know all those fancy terms to describe it at the time. I was only 9 years old. All I knew was that it was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. Knowing that it would one day be mine made me feel like a princess in waiting. Trying on this ring fit for royalty became a favorite ritual of mine throughout my childhood. My mother would bring it out of her humble jewelry box, and I would take great delight as each fitting brought me closer to the day it would be mine. Ironically, I don't remember the exact moment it was given to me (which leads me to believe I must have been in my early 20s, when "princess in waiting" fantasies took a backseat to my social calendar!). What is etched forever in my memory, though, is the moment I parted with my beautiful little piece of family history.
Years after my mother gave me that ring, I became a mother myself, and then eventually a single mother of a teenage girl, desperately trying to make ends meet in pricey Southern California. During my divorce, my ex-husband and I declared bankruptcy, our house went into foreclosure, and I entered life as a single mother with little more than a 12-year-old car, a few pieces of even older furniture, a closet of clothes, and zero child support. By this time, my mother was in poor health and was barely squeaking by on her own small pension, so asking her for help was out of the question.
It was a Friday night, and I had no money in my checking or savings accounts, had maxed out my low limit/high interest rate credit card, had no gas in my car, and around $3.00 in my purse after buying some groceries. I must have driven on fumes that night in order to get to a pawn shop across town. I'd never been inside one before, but I had never been so desperate before either. That's when I handed a stranger behind a cash register my beloved ring in exchange for an amount that today might buy a round of Venti Frappuccinos for four. Oddly, I felt no emotion other than relief to be able to put gas in my car so I could get to work come Monday. The emotions would come later.
Years later, after my rise from secret poverty to middle class (Southern California style), the shame about what I had done set in. I felt I had traded in a piece of my family (and myself!) for a tank of gas. Why didn't I confide in a friend regarding my situation? Why couldn't I have taken the bus to work? Why didn't I say no to my daughter when she had to have yet another pair of sneakers when her old ones were just fine? My conscience felt like a jury, and the judge of my mind found me guilty as charged: guilty of stubborn pride and poor judgment.
I've met so many men and women who have their own stories of not being able to forgive themselves - the woman who would give anything to go back in time and NOT have the affair, the troubled Vietnam vet who cannot forgive himself for acts he was forced to do as a young man. It was always easy for me to listen to their stories and want to comfort them and tell them it was time they forgave themselves. When it came to myself, however, the compassion didn't flow so freely.
One day, when I spotted a little ruby ring on sale, I knew it was my time for forgiveness. What was done was done. My Edwardian wonder ruby was gone, but so was yesterday. Replacing it with a new one felt like the closure I needed. This time, I handed cash to the stranger behind the register, and as I did, I released all that old shame, and I felt a major victory going on inside my heart. Lovingly, warmheartedly, I was telling myself, "Get over it, girl. Enough already! Give yourself a break!" Today, when I wear my new ring, I am reminded of my perseverance, my spunk, and, best of all, my own personal story of forgiveness. The ring was something tangible that helped me to finally make peace with this portion of my past. (And perhaps the cost of my original ruby ring was more like tuition for providing me with an important life lesson.)
When my friend Joni Woelfel wrote to me about her idea for a Ruby Ring Forgiveness Club, she didn't even know I had my own ruby ring story. It was one of those synchronistic moments when you know that a greater power is in the midst. The wonderment of it all made me feel 9 years old all over again. Because forgiveness has never been my strong suit, I have always longed to cultivate more of it in my life. Wearing a ruby ring for me now is like part of my "forgiveness practice." When someone pushes my buttons, a glance at my ring is like a nudge from a dear friend. "Give them some slack, Janet. Go lightly. Forgive." This is definitely a new way of being alive for me. It kind of makes me wonder if there was some magic in that original ruby ring after all! My longing is that each of you who reads this begins your own forgiveness practice, freeing yourself from every regret, grudge, and root of bitterness. Ruby ring or not, it's the best way I know to leave the past where it belongs and move forward with your life!
-Janet Kelly, copyright 2008-
Forgiveness is rarely easy. Whether we need to forgive ourselves or when we have been severely wronged, deceived or betrayed in ways that wound us to the core, in order to find the light, we sometimes need help. This has been true for us and we have sought the wisdom and support of mentors that has made all the difference. Before we can forgive, we need to understand exactly what forgiveness is on the deepest level---and what it is not. When we reach the fullness of understanding, the liberation process can earnestly begin.
First, we understand that all emotions are valid and need to be examined, expressed and released. Hate is among the most difficult, and we suggest if someone has hurt you so badly that this is your initial response, surround yourself with loving care and compassion. You'll get through this, we promise.
Secondly, when we have made a spiritual vow to being an emissary of forgiveness, we understand that hidden gifts of wisdom will be ours because we are willing to do the work. And yes, it can be utterly grueling---but grace is always there as well. We would not tell you this if we had not experienced it ourselves. The healing does come, and perhaps for you---as it was for us---it will be a wonder.
So please, if you need to forgive yourself, someone else or to be forgiven, join our Ruby Ring Forgiveness Club. Ease and comfort your heart, look to the mending peace that is waiting to be yours. Purchase an inexpensive ruby ring and wear it with hope and expectation. If anyone reading this would like a vigil candle lit for your forgiveness journey or would like to tell us you have joined, please leave a message at our guest book. (We are honored to light support candles for anyone who asks and each request is read with care and presence.)
For added suggested guidance, we offer the following quotes below from our own personal journey's in the hopes that they will speak to you as well. May the true meaning of forgiveness usher in an era of well-being and wholeness for you, affirming what you have sensed deep down all along:
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. -Mahatma Gandi.
Gather up the pain and the questions and hold them like a child upon your lap. Have faith in God, in the movement of your soul. Accept what is. Accept the dark. It is okay. Just be true. -Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits, p.171.
We need an adjustment time like that---a time for wobbly wings. It can go on for a long while. During this time we learn to be patient with ourselves. We give ourselves time to integrate the changes. Just as important, we need to give people around us the same sort of time. -Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits, p. 178.
Do you want to go home? There's a road that runs straight through your heart. Walk on it. -Macrina Wiederkehr, Seasons of Your Heart, p. 185.
There is a simple practice we can do to cultivate forgiveness. First we acknowledge what we feel---shame, revenge, embarrassment, remorse. Then we forgive ourselves for being human. Then, in the spirit of not wallowing in the pain, we let go and make a fresh start. We don't have to carry the burden with us anymore. -Pema Chodron, The Places That Scare You, p. 82.
Don't you go letting life harden your heart. -Pema Chodron, The Places That Scare You, p. 3.
I was already getting used to being questioned about my position, with people saying they couldn't understand how I could forgive the murderer of my son and daughter-in-law. Some would actually accuse me of not loving my children if I didn?t want the murderer to get the same fate that he had dished out. My answer was that, on the contrary, I was honoring my murdered children by raising my voice against killing, all killing. -Antoinette Bosco, Choosing Mercy: A Mother of Murder Victims Pleads to End the Death Penalty, p.113.
As we walk together in this journey of healing, we will learn to let our barriers down and not let our fears gobble us up. We will be set free to see a threshold of roses waiting to surround us and to proclaim that nothing is too good to be true. Your life, though scarred, is not damaged forever. You can have a beautiful, holy and happy life if you trust yourself to say: I am Valiant. I am Brave. I am Steadfast. I am Courageous. I am a Healer. I survived, but more than that, I am a person reclaiming life in grace-filled and faith-filled ways. This is my journey and perhaps it is part of your journey or someone you care about ever so deeply. -Ave Clark, Lights in the Darkness: For Survivors and Healers of Sexual Abuse, p. 103.
Sometimes we are too quick to forgive, other times we are reluctant. We may fear that our forgiveness will be misinterpreted to mean that we are willing to be hurt again, or that we condone what was done to us. But it is important to remember that the action against us is not excused, it is forgiven. It is not a debt owed to us any longer, but the forgiven will still be held accountable for any future actions. When we forgive, we set boundaries to protect ourselves from further harm. - Adolfo Quezada, Heart Peace, p.121.
First the hurt, the hate, the wanting to retaliate, all of these feelings must have their day in court. Forgiveness must come from a heart that is open and willing to confront the truth. We cannot dull our senses and lose touch with our feelings and call this forgiveness. -Adolfo Quezada, Heart Peace, p. 121.
Forgiveness stands alone and it is free. When we forgive others, it does not require that we befriend them and it is very possible to forgive others whom we dislike intensely. Forgiveness does not obligate us in anyway to the forgiven. We don't have to trust those whom we have forgiven either. Forgiveness is not a declaration of trust. -Adolfo Quezada, Heart Peace,
p. 122.
In fact, those whom we are forgiving don't even have to know about our forgiveness to be forgiven. It doesn't matter whether they accept our forgiveness or not, it is still valid. Our forgiveness still frees us to move ahead. Forgiveness changes the heart of the forgiver even if it does not change the forgiven. -Adolfo Quezada, p. 123.
We are unable to mark the beginning and ending of our forgiveness. Old feelings may return much later when we remember hurtful times. This does not mean we haven't forgiven, it only means we haven't forgotten. Forgiving is not forgetting. It is important for us to remember all that has happened to us in order to learn from our experiences and to protect ourselves in the future. But although we may remember how we were hurt and by whom, once we forgive from our heart we are no longer broken by those memories. The memory of what happened to us becomes a part of who we have become, yet, after forgiveness we are no longer held hostage by the memory. -Adolfo Quezada, Heart Peace, p. 124.
Forgiveness is prompted by our will, but it requires the help and energy of God's spirit within. -Adolfo Quezada, p. 124
Forgiveness is radical. We have it in our power to let the spirit of forgiveness take over the world or we can block it right where we stand. We are the gateway through which the mercy of God flows into the lives of others. -Adolfo Quezada, Heart Peace, p. 125.
May God bless the Ruby Ring Forgiveness Club.
May your heart be filled with courage, clarity,
readiness when the time is right,
wisdom, healing and peace.
With loving care, Janet and Joni